These past two days have been without a doubt the scariest days of my life. My mother had a seizure yesterday while doing yard work in my Aunt Eileens backyard. Shes been trying really hard to be relieved from alcohol and I guess it did a number on her system. The medication shes been taking in her stay in the hospital has made her loopy and tonight the nurses had to use restraints on her. this completely breaks my heart. Before i left to go home, I looked over my mom as she was sleeping and prayed the hardest I ever have in my life. My mother makes mistakes but she is me and I couldn't survive without her. Please keep my mom in your prayers, and for those who aren't religious please keep her in your thoughts.

if travel is searching..

I am so flustered with emotions right now. Tonight my friends lost each other. I probably had something to do with it. However,it was going to happen eventually. It's hard when the inevitable happens and you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do you lie to this person, or do you lie to that person? Do you love this person more, or do you love that person more? Stick me in a room with both of you and tell me which one to shoot and I promise I'd choose myself. I won't let either of our personal relationships change because you're both with me forever. Climb over the mountain.

moving on...


My girlcore has been on hiatus this weekend. Car rides and long distances can make someones perspective so much more confusing. I still wonder how my life turned out to be this way. I would love to just rewind to last year when I was happy and not worried about anything. I feel like there is so many different directions I could go towards but I can't choose. Do I move away and be where I've always wanted to be? Do I stay here to watch the only love of my life (my niece) grow up without me. Selfish decisions come with consequences. I get so Influenced by others that my wants/needs get pushed aside. But at the end of the day it comes back to what my heart wants, which is to get away from this place. It's getting worn out from being put on pause so much, but I am too scared to just do it.

catch 22

I get dizzy when I think about all the love I have building up inside for you. I am going to keep it with me forever. I am not going to fight for a losing battle. One because I have too much respect for you, and two, because I will never admit it. Here on out I'll call you Catch 22.

I can feel the season changing. The colder it gets the more my heart warms up knowing that Christmas is just around the corner. Winter romances are the best, especially when you have warm lips kissing your cold skin.

c'mere

I want all of you.

family is everything

My confidence has dropped in the past year. I am constantly weighing myself and checking myself in the mirror all through out the day. I feel disgusting and I can't believe I've let myself get this way. I know the way people look at me, I hear the comments. I know. I've been working really hard this week on watching what I eat and getting a good work out routine going (thanks to cassie, and my sisters treadmill). I feel ashamed when I think how I would rather look the way I did two years ago (WITH the disorder) then now. It's a mindfuck, i know.

I feel like I am missing out on life. I don't want to go to clubs because I think it's stupid and pointless, and I would rather be in my room all day then socializing with old friends. I normally come home, lay in bed, and listen to the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack.

However, on a lighter note, I will say that I am without a doubt looking forward to Christmas. It is my favorite time of year and my spirit normally kicks in the first day of November. I love the weather, lights, music, and all around appearance. I enjoy buying my loved ones presents and smelling the tree in my living room. Now if only I can find someone to snuggle up to this holiday season....righhhhttttttt

Enclosure,

I miss my family back in Massachusetts.
I love you Papa, Uncle Jeffery, Uncle Jimmy, Aunt Kathy, Uncle Tony, Cousin Erick, Cousin Chelsea, Cousin Timothy, Cousin Jessica, Cousin Nicholas, Cousin Maddie, Aunt Edwina, Uncle Billy, Aunt Beth, Cousin Nora, Cousin Kathrine, Cousin Patrick, Cousin Eileen, Uncle Michael, Cousin Mike, Cousin Heather, Cousin Angelina, Uncle Jack, Cousin Jennifer, Cousin Ryan, Cousin Sean, Aunt Pat, Uncle Greg, Cousin Mikey, Cousin Gregory, Cousin Christina, Cousin Stevie, Uncle Kevin, Cousin Kevin, Aunt Deb, Cousin Meagan, Cousin Kristen, Cousin Dale, Cousin Dale, Cousin Sierra, Cousin Dana, Aunt Kim, Uncle Danny, Aunt Eileen, Barry, Aunt Sheila

I really love you ALL, see you soon