It had to be you

Please take notes, boys.

Epiphany! Epiphany!

i can say it has taken me more than seven months but i am completely not bitter about my past relationships. & think i am more drained than anything. emotionally drained, but the fucking funny part is that i have so much emotion left over. it's ridiculous to feel this much when you don't seem to have anything left. i know i am growing. slow, but i am growing & learning to adapt to other humanly contact & their emotions too. i become real slow about everything when i am beginning to understand and care about someone else's feelings.

summer heat is killing me

crush my heart some more.

hearts to my head

I feel frustrated because i haven't had sex in a year. i am a very sexual & romantic person. i would glady spend an entire weekend, week, month, year romancing a boy i care about. i'm not for casual sex, normally. I've realized I don't want to be attracted to someone just for the sex. I want to feel something behind the meaning. I think sex is beautiful. Orgasms are better and i love yous sound prettier when your heart is pounding loudly in your chest. I want to wake up next to a lover and roll over ontop of him and squeeze him and tell him how nice he smells.

being female is going to fucking kill me one day.

i want to wrap myself up in sheets and blankets and sleep for the longest time possible.


OH and I decided that this is what I am dancing to at my wedding..get into it!

home is where the heart is

I decided when I get everything for my new place I am splurging all my money on this bed. If you haven't heard me talk about my 'genie' bed before, It was something like the picture featured above. When I lived in Columbia, I had this bed that I hung sheer curtains around the frame. I felt like I literally was in a genie bottle or a damn temple. It was amazing. I could sleep all day and just relax. I plan on buying this bed frame ^^ and attaching sheer curtains completely around it. I hope one day to have crazy amounts of awesome sex on it. Yep.

I can't wait to move. I can't wait to make my room exactly how I want it. I've already got everything planned out. Honey dew candles will continuously burn throughout the day. The walls are going to be a grayish blue with white Irish lace curtains (that I can sew thank god). Big black dresser with silver knobs and pictures all over my room. I might have my brother paint a huge art piece to go on a wall. Who knows. I am stoked though.

In not easy being a girl

Theres a lot weighing me down. I feel like I can't be honest with the people I need to. When have I ever been scared to tell someone what I was feeling or what is on my mind? I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I had such an urge to cut off all my hair tonight. I get in these moods where I feel the need to drastically change my appearance. Normally I have to sit down and talk myself out of it. It's really hard being a female. There is so much competition. Men these days are so picky. Every girl has to be a certain weight and body shape. Hair can't be too short or too long. Style has to be one way or another. Whatever happened to men loving women because they are beautiful as they are? I doubt that has ever been true. I have always been insecure about my appearance since I started dating early on in my teens. The boys I've been with instilled that in me. I remember my first boyfriend ever told me I was too chubby (now I was 14 at the time and still had that baby fat). Well what the hell, even my LAST boyfriend went around telling people I needed to 'get into shape'. Maybe it's just the guys I am choosing or something really is wrong. Guess I don't have to worry about that too much considering I am on my diet haha.

I watched a few movies tonight by myself. 'The last kiss' was kind of a chick flick but also a lesson in itself to teach guys to stop being fuckheads to the women they have. Cute girls come and go but the real ones you want to hold on to are the ones waiting at home for you with dinner on the table and a whole bunch of love. Whoever I am going to marry better feel fucking lucky. I will make it my duty to be the best wife possible. In a dream world, I would be a stay at home mother. However, in this day and age I doubt that would ever happen. Regardless, I know I will be an amazing wife. Thats if...I ever do get married.

Just one more thing to stress myself about.

Watching harry potter. Finally figured how to send pictures from my cellphone to my computer. After 3 months haha. Whoops.

here you are:

Alot of things on my mind, I'll update when I am feeling better.

être avec moi

Goodmorning babies!

I am happy to announce that today is friday. Which means, I can wear pretty summer dresses and let my hair go crazy curly. I get off work around 3 today because all of our property managers are going to be in a training class. Jasmines coming to get me and we are going to see 'wanted' and then drive around town singing along to Celine Dion. Hopefully we find some awesome people to hangout with later tonight.

Surprisingly, I slept pretty sound last night. I think it might've been because my dream was just too good to wake me up. I had a boyfriend and he took me camping. We made a fire for night and swam naked in the river. Amazing. I think I actually had a dream about camping because it might've been the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep. I hear that happens. Maybe I might start thinking of really good things before I go to bed so I dream about it.

Okay, off to start my morning routine


xoxox

beddies

I am about to plummet into my bed, where it's freezing cold. I could sleep forever, really.

heres whats on my sleep cd:

-sigur ros
-milosh
-explosions in the sky
-james newton howard
-danny elfman
-radiohead
-portishead




come sleep
xox

girlcore hurts

i want to be able to demand attention whenever my emotions become too much for me to handle. i'm achey inside, the kind that makes you pull the covers over your face and sleep til 4pm.

I just need to sleep. I wish it would rain endlessly. I just want to sleep for years. let eveything soak up the atmosphere, let everything soak up in me. I just need to slow down.

I made a cd for the weeked. I plan on laying in bed all day saturday, wrapped up in my blankets and listening to the sad songs that make me wish I had better. It's sad when you have sympathy for your own self. (does that even make sense?)


on another note, i've been obsessed with this artist since i was 13-14 years old. He's not well known but hes completely amazing. I am determined to have amazing sex to one of his songs.

Just so everyone knows, I am going to take a nap in my bathtub. Those are always the best, I swear!

where am i?

After spending almost 5 hours copying papers, I had to sit down. My back is killing me and I am really tired.

Happy that tomorrow is Friday. I get to wear jeans to work, sleep in because it's the weekend, and see my bestfriend. I hope her car isn't acting up like it was yesterday. However, she never fails to make a bad situation hilarious.

I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I am living as a zombie. Though the thought of that is wicked awesome..you know, being a zombie...really not what its all cracked up to be. I am emotionally drained at this point. Constantly working and stressing out. Wake up, go to work, go home, and go to bed. Over and over. I miss taking the pleasure of small things in life. I miss stopping to smell the fucking roses. I'm turning into someone I always promised I never would be. Workaholic, stressbomb, irritable, ect. The list could go on. I am a ticking time bomb. This is why I am trying to plan a camping trip. Get away for a few days. All I want at this point is to sit by a river and just lay around all day, go skinny dipping and hiking. I love the outdoors so much (minus the fish, seriously no way).

I remember a few years back when Ashlee and I would go outside at night during the winter. Every evening it was probably around 20 degrees out. All dressed up with 3 pairs of sweatpants each, 2 pairs of socks each, big puffy jackets, and a huge blanket. We'd walk around for a bit until we found a place to spread the blanket out on. One of the best places was on this hill where we were away from all the Charlotte traffic (as much as you can be). It was so dark and cold out, but we just laid there for hours talking about life and what it meant to us. How people take for grantid everything God has given us. We'd cry for a while, laugh, drink a few beers (or whatever it was we had). I miss being innocent and hopeful. I just need a break to get back to myself. I miss me.

the girls are suffocating

Already at work. Starting off ridiculous. I'll probably be making copies of cash disbursements until the end of the day. My feet are starting to hurt from these shoes and the phone is ringing off the hook. I think this bra is too small for my ever growing boobs. Looks like they are trying to jump out and say hey to everyone. Its not even 10:30 and I am ready for the day to be over. Can I please have some R & R?

Figured out what I am doing with Jasmine on Friday. We are going to see 'Wanted'. Staring Angelina Jolie (my fantasy woman) and James McAvoy (the man of my dreams besides Mark Wahlberg & Jason Varitek). I'll probably be having an orgasm in my seat. I tend to do that when i watch movies. Not really have an orgasm, but whenever one of my dream boat actors are starring in the movie I am watching, I go a little over board talking about how lick worthy they are. It wouldn't be so bad if I did that after the movie is over. However, thats normally all i talk about DURING it. I know it annoys everyone I'm around, but they wouldn't love me as much as they do if I didn't make obnoxious noises and vulgar statements while watching our flicks!

Okay, off to make copies all day.....

Carrie Bradshaw lives on.

Jasmine took me out to lunch today, her car is acting up. It was hilarious driving down the road with her car continuing to stall in and out. Dangerous, but very funny. Went to waffle house, i got my usual and she tried something different which is really unlike her, but whatever! It was really weird because for the first time we had NOTHING to talk about. Theres only so many times you can talk about how it sucks being single or how there is no one in North Carolina we would consider wasting our time on. Well, not me anyway. Planning to move out of this place very soon. Not really sure where we (Jasmine would be right with me) want to go. Back to Columbia or Massachusetts has been talked about a few times. Hopefully whenever the time does come I have the guts to do it. Moving to Columbia last year was harder then i thought it would be. I missed a big part of the first few months of my nieces life. The important months. Luckily enough, I see her everyday now which has made up for the missed time. Leaving my family in general was hard. I feel so stubborn for everything that happened. So many people throw the 'i told you so!' at me. It's still surreal in a way. Six months already. It seems like it happened yesterday. But hey, for the best right? everything happens for a reason, right? Okay, okay..off sore subjects. Stoked for the weekend because Jasmine has Friday off. Hopefully causing some chaos. I feel at best when i am around her because she really knows how to cheer me the hell up. Just throw in a little Bon Jovi and some Moes and we are good to go. I love that girl.

Tomorrow i'll be working. As usual. Hopefully catching up on a few things. I've only been working there a few months and i already need a vacation. Thankfully, I have my own office where i can keep to myself when co-workers (my sister) become too much for me.

Recently i've become obsessed vintage pornographic/nude modeling photos, i just think they are really awesome and it makes me feel better to know that these girls have real bodies, just like me. Big hips, big legs, big boobs. Love it.







Just a thought, I've really been interested in starting a sex blog..asking questions and getting feedback. Something for girls to sit on (no pun intended) for a while, hoping that everything they want to know.. will be answered...maybe? After becoming a huge Sex and the City fan it's something thats been circling around my head. Oh well.